Edwin Gore's Dopey Homepage!: I Don't Know How To Feel About What

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March 8, 2006

I Don't Know How To Feel About What

So, two friends of mine have just given birth. Yes, one did more work than the other, but I feel generous today. There is a brand new baby girl in the world, and I think that is wonderful. I really think they will be loving parents that will let their child grow up to be happy, well rounded, and messed up in the right ways.

At the same time, it does stir up a lot of stuff - seeing my sister's beautiful little boy a few weeks ago, years ago, telling Sharon that we should not get her tubes reversed and have a baby (I'm just going to say "good decision" because if we didn't stay together because of two children I thought of as ours, one more would not make a difference).

At the same time it feels like I am missing something. I am old enough, and I have the money (once this stupid shit is settled) for a family. I feel like I am too old though - have a baby today and I'm sixty when it leaves high school; I'm 65 by the time that it decides to go on ice for 4500 years to see if anything more interesting comes along. At the same time, what does a biological kid get me other than assured visitation? I am not too concerned about carrying on my genetic heritage - yes, the world can never have enough tall, thin, smart and good looking people, but, really, there are plentyof people in the world already. I think it's more that my favorite time for kids is between 1 and 3, before they become actual human beings - they think different, and not in an Apple way. They just see the world from a whole new perspective. I haven't had the opportunity to go through all of that myself; I always get involved after that.

I can see myself in all my kids - James, Jessica, Sara and Kieran all got something from me, and I think it was something good. That means a lot. I love the fact the people will say, when seeing James or Kieran "My, he really takes after you" and I can nod in agreement - not because I think they do physically, be because I think/hope that they have recieved something from me about how you should treat people. One of my proudest moments was when James, at Kieran's current age, when to a dance and danced with a girl he didn't like (as in like like), but who asked him. Later he told me "Come on, she was brave to ask me to dance. I know what that's like. I had to dance with her - it's not like we were getting married.". Wise words from a 13 year old, non-Morman. I also love the Kieran is able to talk about what's going on with him, and how he's feeling. Not real well, but better than I could at his age.

Of course, I have also never had closer relationships than I have with my stepkids - they are the only "I will always love you no matter what" relationships. My ex-spouses may do things that hurt too much to live with, but my step kids can't. I'm not going t break the implicit "I'll be there" promise that I made when I married thier mom. It's not fair, or righ to do so. Jessica and James were what...3 and 6? Ash and Kieran were...11 and 5? It's a one sided agreement and one that I have to uphold if they are going to trust anyone in the future.

I have to admit that there is a curiousity about the difference there might be with son/daughter and Mother of your son/daughter.I can only assume from the divorce rates that it's both closer and more fragile that I can imagine. But you know, all this breeding lately kind of makes me want breed as well; no matter how many intellectual arguments there are against it. I won't, of course, without good reason. I really think that I can preserve my heritage through meme transmission as well as I could through long protein chain exchanges. If I get to write their software, does it really matter what hardware it runs on? The all know about Monty Python, and they all have good taste in music and film. Except for James - how could you not worship Dresden Dolls? Resistance is, you realize, futile...

Posted at March 8, 2006 10:52 PM in More Personal Than Usual