May 22, 2006
We Now Return You To Our Regular Programming
Unless I end up in the news for a killing spree or something, this will probably be the last update in this category. It's been a little over two weeks now that I've been off the Zoloft, but it's hard to say exactly what the impact has been.
The first week was no problem at all - felt like my usual happy, go lucky self - skipping through fields, tra-la-la, business as usual. Well, okay, that isn't strictly speaking true, but really it was not so bad - I felt "normal".
The second week has been more of a challenge, but then again, I'm not sure how much of it can be attributed directly to getting off the Zoloft. There have been a couple of other things going on that are probably complicating my experiment. I've totally-absolutely-no-sneaking-any-when-I-am-not-looking-it's-not-okay-if-I-just-have-one-every-other-day stopped smoking. This of course has me in a state of near constant longing, which, given my wiring, is pretty easy to misinterpret and get cross-wired with other longings. This of course makes it easy to get depressed, even though there is nothing to get depressed about, and in reality I just want a cigarette. There is something of a spiral here, as not getting pleasure through smoking increases my dependance on other sources of life affirming enjoyment, and I am worried that I might be straining those other sources too much and annoying them.
Plus, not smoking at all makes me cranky in general - not in the "adorable and endearing crank" way that you all know and love - more the colicky baby type (inconsolable screaming, clenched fists, increased bowel activity and gas).
Why is it that I always try to do too many things at once, thereby endangering my ability succeed in any of them? It's not enough to be finalizing my divorce (an day now!) - I also have to simultaneously quit smoking, drop the anti-depressants, have my stepson move across the country and make sure that I don't screw up a very valuable friendship (and dopamine source), all the while not allowing myself the luxury of drinking myself into oblivion like any sensible person would do (though if I did that, I would probably smoke, so, no real solution there ).
The only solutions that I can see are writing and videogame playing, both of which seem to have a calming effect on my brain - there have been studies that show that video games are better at stimulating your hypothalamus than chocolate and sex (I assume at the same time); I need neither - I have Final Fantasy 1.
I've also been taking a lot more pictures lately - the flickr stream will be updated as soon as I can unclench my fists long enough to tag and upload.
Posted by edgore at 10:06 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
April 3, 2006
An Accidental Update
So, all afternoon I have been feeling this wierd, non-specific, malaise. Sadness that is not associated with anything in particular. At first I thought it was a combination of the mind-numbingly boring document creation that I am doing today, and general tiredness from the time change. Moments ago though I realized that I forgot to med up this morning. So I am sitting here at the end of the day worrying about all sorts of things, and not getting the usual dopamine hit that comes from taking a break and checking boingboing.
This is interesting in that it's really not that bad - I mean, it's tolerable, and considering all the other things going on (adjusting to change in diet, not smoking, time change, divorce, and what have you) it's really not that bad. This gives me hope that when I taper off of these things in a month or so the come down is not going to be that bad.
Posted by edgore at 4:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 13, 2005
The End of the Experiment
Well, I am officially calling off the documentation of the anti-depressents. I'm still going to be taking them, since they seem to be helping, or at least not hurting anything - there is just nothing interesting to write about them. I feel perfectly normal, I occasionally feel sad, frustrated or bored, and I occasionally feel excited, happy, and so on.
So, no reason to write about that any more. Although I may write something in a few months when I stop taking them, just in case the withdrawal is interesting.
Posted by edgore at 2:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
November 28, 2005
Toothless Gears
I've been thinking over the last weekend about how I've been feeling, and what to attribute it to. Overall, I've been feeling pretty good - much of which, I think, can be attributed to time, the "definite-ness" of the breakup (no more wondering about/worrying over what will happen) and the feeling that I am now the one who is in control of what happens to me.
There is one thing though that I think can be attributed to the medication - it's the feeling that the relationship issues just don't have any traction at all. Whatever part of my brain it was that would get engaged when a thought about the breakup crossed my mind just doesn't seem to engage. I know that in the past it has taken me longer to get over less painful breakups than this. Now if something about it crosses my mind, it crosses, and that's it; there isn't anything else.
It's a weird feeling, in a way, but not really a bad one. I don't want, or need, to focus on those thoughts because there is really no point to them, or anything that I can actually do about them, so it's sort of nice to just have them pass through and be on their way. It's good to know that the medication doesn't stop the thoughts, it just stops the anxiety/worry/obsessing over them. Back to the meat robot thing, it's like I'm still me, I still feel the feelings/have the thoughts, but the improved programming doesn't lockup when they occur like it did before - security patches have been applied that prevent denial of service attacks for working.
Of course, I could be wrong, and it just that I am moving on; but I think the medication is helping to do that.
Posted by edgore at 11:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 18, 2005
Quicklime...CHECK...Crawlspace...need a crawlspace...
So...I'm looking for a house now...need to find one witt a crawlspace. I have a bag of quicklime, so that's taken care of, but I need someplace for it to work it's magic...
Okay, not really. It's worse than that (yes, worse than deciding that becoming a serial killer is my next growth phase) - my therapist apparently reads my blog (hence the above, macabre sense of humour and all). It didn't occur to me to ask whether or not I mentioned it (I think I did) or if she just Googled me (I am the top result for Edwin Gore & Ed Gore - take that guy in a band with my name!!! I probably should not be applying for any jobs soon...)
I got busted today because, according to her I am more open on my blog than I am in therapy. I'm not sure why that is, since, after all, any and everyone in the world can read this; and I trust her. I think the reasons are two-fold, though I am likely to be wrong. One reason is that every time I have been in any sort of therapy in the past it was with someone else, and that person was the one I was talking to, with the therapist acting as mediator. With just me and her there, I am not sure what I should be doing. I have never worked on things where I was talking just to me (with someone else mediating...).
The other thing is that here I have more time. It can take half an hour or longer to come up with an entry - I can edit things, rewrite things, figure out exactly what it is that I am feeling. Also, I control the conversation...I don't have to write about anything that I don't want to write about; and there are things I will never write about here (serial killing is not one of those - I could write for days about that).
That whole control thing. I think that there is something to that.
Posted by edgore at 8:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Nothing to Report (That's a Good Thing)
I haven't posted anything the last couple of days because there really hasn't been anything to post. Things have been going pretty well, I feel pretty good, and that's really all there is to it. I feel fine.
My therapist is actualy talking about winding things down, unless I have something else specific I want to work on - think I might want to work on getting better at noticing unusual attachments in the future...
Other than that, nothing to really say. I've been reading, watching saved TV ( I am now completely caught up on The O.C., and watched all the Wonderfalls episodes that were made), and starting to look for more permanent quarters; the room with shared bath and kitchen thing is just not working with the ladies (okay there are no ladies, really I just need a place to put my dogs).
Oh, and on the whole The O.C. and Wonderfalls thing; are there any other good shows that I missed over the last couple of years I should be catching up on?
Posted by edgore at 11:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 15, 2005
Feeling, Well, Groovy
I continue to have no idea whether it's the medication, or just me, but I feel great. Not like manic, excited great, but you know, just great. Very happy with myself, and with what is going on; still not what I would have chosen, but I am fine with it now and can see how, given the circumstance, my life is going to be better than it was before the breakup.
I feel like I am in control of my life again, and like I am making good decisions about how to move forward. It doesn't feel like I'm racing out of control down a hill to cliff, or anything. I just feel good about everything.
While it may be partially the medication, I think it's also something that happened a little over a week ago that gave me some real insight into how things would be better. Ask me about it if you are interested.
Posted by edgore at 1:34 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 14, 2005
Straight On Till Morning
Hmmm...nothing really to report on the depression and medication front. I feel fine. No idea whether it's because of the medication, or just because I feel fine, but, as noted, I feel fine. Peachy. Groovy. Hunkey-dory.
Internet connection at home has been up and down throughout the weekend, which is making it hard to get the current episodes of "The O.C.", but that is pretty much the only problem in my life at the moment.
Posted by edgore at 7:44 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 9, 2005
Okay...weird
So...my toes.
They are really, really long. Like oddly so.
Just saying.
Posted by edgore at 9:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Normal is the Watchword
So, still feeling pretty normal. Not depressed, not particularly happy, but hey, I'll take what I can get.
One weird thing has been happening for the last couple of weeks though, and I'm going to write about it, since it just happened seconds ago.
I'm vibrating. It's really weird and I have no idea what is causing it, but occasionally, some part of me, usually one of my legs on the outer thigh, will feel like something is vibrating next to it. The thing it feels most like is a cellphone on vibrate laying against the afflicted bodypart. But, looking at my desk I see my cell phone sitting a good three feet away, and no sign that it's doing anything.
Really weird. Perhaps it's the CIA or Alien implants acting up...
Posted by edgore at 12:31 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
November 8, 2005
Something Seems To Be Working
Not sure if it's time, the medication, or "The O.C." but something is working. Feeling much, much better about things. Many, many offers and ideas about dealing with the dogs during the relocation have come in, which I really appreciate, and they would too, if they had any idea what was going on around them.
Anyway, thanks.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure that it's "The O.C.". That show rules.
Posted by edgore at 1:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 7, 2005
Solid State
This weekend went pretty well. I'm feeling pretty good, and starting to think about "new life" things. I am also still compulsively watching saved episodes of "The O.C.", but at least I am not eating cartons of ice cream while doing so. Overall, the terror-level is at green, whch puts me in a much better state than my nation.
Felt a little crappy on Sunday, which led to a marathon nap and caused me to miss a social engagement, but it was probably worth it to get the rest.
One big concern has come up that I was not planning on - Ash has moved back in with her mom, negating my backup plan for the dogs - I was hoping that they would be able to stay with her during the time between selling the house and me getting into a new place with room for them. I suppose that if it comes right down to it I can kennel them for a couple of weeks, though I hate the thought of doing that to them. Gosh I miss those dogs.
Oh, and my free WIFI that I was snarfing has vanished without a trace, leaving me connectionless at home until Adelphia get's their act together and activiates my service. Expect slow responses to emails until then...
Posted by edgore at 3:32 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
November 4, 2005
My Salvation
So, feeling pretty okay and normal today - not too up, not too down, aware thtt I have things that make me unhappy, but able to deal with it and get stuff done.
I do not, however, attribute this to the meds.
Last night I realized that I had 2 seasons of The O.C. that I had bit-torrented to watch with Ashley last summer but never gotten around to. So now I have like 52 episodes of that to watch, and it's awe-inspiringly bad. A guilty pleasure like Melrose Place, but with much better music. Also, while I heard all these great things about the character Seth, no one had ever mentioned that he was practically autistic! This show is great, and will make me very happy for many, many days.
Posted by edgore at 9:22 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 3, 2005
Better, Not Good, Just Better
Black void receding somewhat - things are still crappy and all, but at least it's not looming over me every minute of the day. I can function, without having to exert a huge amount of effort for very little return. It's down to the point where I just don't care about doing anything, but it's not hard to do something, if I really have to. Yes, in my current world, this is what were are calling "new and improved"; next week, I will add lemony-freshness.
Hopefully this rollercoasting up and down will smooth out soon, because I really don't want to go through anything as bad as the last four days again.
Last night was spent briefly chatting to Will and then sitting in bed watching downloaded Colbert Reports (which, unfortunately is not that great a show...) until it was late enough to knock myself out with a Lunesta (9:00). The problem, of course with doing this is that I wake up 8 hours later at 5:00 and lay in bed for almost two hours listening to the other people in the building get up and take their showers. Not very entertaining, but can't be bothered to actually get out of bed.
Posted by edgore at 2:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 2, 2005
Ugh
So, last night was terrible. The anxiety and depression are getting worse, not better. I don't know if this is a side effect of the medications, or if it's just that I am anxious and depressed, but last night was the worst that I have had.
Just very bleak and hopeless. The good thing is that I am paying close attention to how I feel, so no matter how awful I feel I am analyzing what's going on and thinking about what is making me feel like that and what I might be able to do about it. The bad thing is that I still feel awful.
Posted by edgore at 10:11 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 1, 2005
Reality Bites
Not sure if it's medication related or not, but for some reason the reality of my situation is hitting me very hard this week. This is really happening, she seems perfecly happy with it, and it's not going to change.
I keep holding out some hope that she will change her mind, but that's not very realistic. She started moving on two years ago and has had all that time to get used to the idea, while I have only had a little under two months total, and less than three weeks since it seemed pretty final.. She feels like she is moving on towards something that she wants, while I am moving away from everything I want.
Our lives ar going to remain tangled up because of the kids, which is not going be easy - every time I see her or talk to her on the phone it makes it harder. I need to figure out how to get out of this emotional "K"-hole. I need to figure out what it is that I am moving toward. I wish there was someway that we could be freinds, but I can't see that happening; not because of anything that happened, but because of the way I still feel about her. Maybe that will change with time.
I don't know how I am going to be able to actually go through the process of filing the paperwork and getting that done when it is not something that I even want to do. I know that I will manage to do it, because I am "the guy who takes care of things", but it's hard to imagine right now.
I want to talk to her so badly, but I know that's a bad idea, so I am not going to. She doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me unless she needs something, which is probably the right way to handle things. If this course is the only one that she sees open to her, then it's probably best if we cut off everything except "business" and start to put as much space between us as possible.
Hmmmm...re-reading this, I have to say, I don't think these pills do what they think they do.
Posted by edgore at 11:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 31, 2005
High Anxiety
Well, after an okay Saturday of feeling pretty calm and normal, yesterday things started to go into the dumpster. Very anxious, unable to concentrate. Ended up sitting in bed and watching episodes of "Veronica Mars" that I had bit-torrented, then reading till it was late enough to take a Lunesta and fall asleep. Ugh. Yesterday may have been the first time in my entire life that getting an extra hour in the day was a bad thing.
So far, same thing today - feeling a lot of non-specific (and some specific) anxiety, not really able to concentrate too well. Also tired - had to get up at 5:00 in order to make it to work for a stupid-early conference call this morning.
Unfortunately I am now caught up for the season on both "Veronica Mars" and "Lost" and need to download some more stuff to fill the hours I am at home. I haven't really been feeling like going out, or being around people other than my visits to see Kieran and my classes. I'm going to have to figure out some things to do in order to get out, and figure out how to get myself to actually feel like doing them as well. I also need to pick up some books, since I am out of things to read now, and an idle mind is depression's plaything.
I really hope that I start to see some benefit from the Zoloft over the next few weeks, because this is absolutely no fun.
Posted by edgore at 11:15 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 29, 2005
Spectacularly Normal
Today I have felt perfectly normal - which is to say, bored and a little depressed. But this is much better than feeling like I am somebody else watching myself.
Stuff at work is settling down (though the bastards in Memphis have scheduled a bunch of meetings every Monday through CHristmas at 6:30AM mountain time) so I have actually been able to relax a little today.
Since there is no way I am going to be able to afford the Xbox 360 I had reserved at Gamestop I went in today and cancelled it. SPent the credit on a copy of the all new, all 3-D Civilization 4, which, of course, plays just about exactly like Civ 3, but in 3D....oooooohhhhh!
Right now I am helping a neighbor get his internet connection working before I go visit Kieran. Windows 98 - ick.
Posted by edgore at 4:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 28, 2005
The Smoking Section
Over the last two months I went from smoking rarely to smoking a pack a day. During that time I tried to cut down, wear patches, even chew nicotine gum, but nothing other than actually somking was doing it for me.
I think an indicator of the effect these meds are already having is that yesterday I decided I was sick of smoking, bought some patches, put one on and have not had or really wanted a cigarette since. I don't know if this will keep up or not, but it indicates to me a reduction in my anxiety level that is welcome. The smoking was an almost OCD-like behavior that I am glad to be getting rid of.
Posted by edgore at 1:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Embracing Change
So, the initial wierdness period seems to be over - though I keep hearing that it takes four weeks or so for this stuff to really begin having a noticiable effect. I feel pretty normal today and I am able to concentrate on work, get stuff done and so on.
As far as overall mood and stuff goes, it's not too bad. I've begun to realize just how unhappy I was with the way things were, and that things needed to change. This isn't the change that I would have chosen to make a few weeks ago, and it still isn't today, but I think that I can make do with the hand I have been dealt, get through this and I will still end up happier than I have been for the last two years. I still think there was another, better way to fix things, but well, this is what I have and I can't do anything but make the best of it.
Yea me, I am such a fucking grownup now.
Posted by edgore at 11:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 27, 2005
Going Through The Motions
I don't know if it's because the SOX work that I am doing is extremely mind numbing (complex file-naming schemes, lots of repetitive reporting, etc) or if it's the medication, but still feeling extremely detached and remote today. In my counseling appointment discussed some things would normally be very upsetting, but today, not so much.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions, doing what I need to do. I'm hoping that once things settle down at work and I don't have to be thinking about that all the time that I will begin to feel better. This all seems to be coming at the worst possible time; everything all at once, and it's all happening so quickly that there is no thought going into it. Lose everything that matters to me, huge work load, go on meds, all at pretty much the same time. Hopefully a work break will let me get out from under that.
But hey, at least this entry is in the first person - that has to count for something, right?
Current Song (only because it seems wierdly appropriate): Frank Black "I Wanna Live on an Abstract Plane"
Posted by edgore at 12:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 26, 2005
Third Day, Third Person
Interesting. Today Ed is feeling very detached. He feels like an observer watching someone go through their day, receiving reports on what they are thinking and feeling, but he is not actually experiencing those thoughts or feelings directly.
On some level he thinks that this is kind of neat, but on another level he is concerned, since this is exactly the kind of wierdness that he was worried about. He will continue to monitor this, and provide reports.
Posted by edgore at 10:57 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 25, 2005
Day Two
Feeling much less weird today. Didn't sleep too well, so I am tired, but I am finding it easier to concentrate on work stuff at least. Last night I was feeling slightly sick to my stomach, but not so bad that I couldn't eat or anything like that. Mentally, I feel okay - less anxious, etc.
Posted by edgore at 9:59 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 24, 2005
Day 1 Update
Slight dry mouth, a little bit of a headache (yes, I ate lunch). Feeling a little weird - kind of floaty, but not enough that I would notice it if I wasn't paying attention. I find that I am less anxious, and seem to be able to function okay, but I feel...weird.
Posted by edgore at 1:59 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Day One Begins
So, the decision has been made, and behind door number 1 is...Zoloft!
Supposedly few side effects, and since it screws with both Seratontin and Dopamine levels it should not decrease my already non-existant sex-drive, which I guess is good, since if it went any lower I would have to start giving back the sex that I have already had.
In any case, took the first one a little over two hours ago. I should not be feeling anything yet, and other than a very slight fuzziness and a slight increase in ability to concentrate (which obviously has yet to be focused on anything work related). Feeling okay from a happy-standpoint, but then again I have been feeling a little better anyway as I get used to the situtation and stop worrying about it. So we will see what happens as things move forward.
Posted by edgore at 11:06 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 22, 2005
Who I Think I am Today
As promised I have been thinking about what are the things baout me that are important to me, so I can see if anything happens to them once I start trying medication. Turns out it's very hard to try to evaluate who you are while youare still inside you looking out. I've come up with a couple of things that I think are important to me, but if anyone else (only people that actually know me...) has any ideas, please feel free to comment.
1. My sense of humour. It's really, really important to me. It's sarcastic, usually mean only when directed at myself (I could be wrong though). I can often see things in a slightly off-kilter way and express it verbally in an amusing fashion. Generally it's more mild smile inducing than laugh out loud, but people tend to remember me as funny. I want to keep that part of me for sure.
2. This is the one that really is bugging me. I tend to attach to people strongly when I attach, but attach pretty rarely. I like to think that I am loyal and once attached, don't give up on people, usually until way p[ast when I should have. No, this has nothing to do with the current situation (okay, a little), but if you know anything about my past, you know what I am talking about. I don't want this to change, even though I know it's probably a bad thing, but it is one of the things that makes me "me". So we will see what happens with this one.
3. I'm nice. Second to funny, I am frequently remembered as nice - they guy who is always personable, friendly and willing to help out with something. I'm not really worried about this one, I mean, anti-depressants don't make you mean, right?
3. I'm smart. I've always been able to solve problems, figure out technologies, etc; The whole "faking your way though life" thing. I've been hideously underqualified for almost every job I have ever had, yet I have managed to figure out what needed to be done, how to do it, and usually excel. That I really can't afford to lose, since, well, it is my only marketable talent, even if those making use of it don't know that.
An important thing to remember about this list (which I may add to) is that I am only listing things I like about myself, not any of the bad things about me (and there are many) which I am hoping will be affected by this experience. For example, I am frequently anxious about all sorts of things (money, relationships, all sorts of things) to a dgree that can make it difficult for talent #3 to kick in. I would like to fix that. I also tend to make quick decisions that I later regret - It would be cool if the reduction of anxiety increased my abilty to think things through before acting/talking. Would have saved me a lot of problems recently probably.
Posted by edgore at 9:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 20, 2005
Meat Robot Theater
I think I am going to set up a new category.
Over the last couple of years I have been increasingly depressed. Given what I know now about the last two years I am convinced that it's a combination of things that caused them, some internal and some external. I'm thinking that it's mostly external things and not brain chemistry - I was never depressed before and there were a lot of depressing external things going on to depress me without the help of a bad brain.
In any case, on Monday I go in to have anti-depressants prescribed for me. I'm told that when my external influences change there is a good chance that I won't need them anymore, but that in order to get through the next six months it can't hurt to see if they help.
Now, believing, as I do, that we are little more than the combination of our genetic predispositions, our brain chemistry and our experiences (which get filtered through the above, and our other experiences) combining to program the meat computer that is the self*, this is an interesting situation for me.
Will I be the same person that I am now if I take these things? Say they make me happier - does that mean that the me that I am today (the less happy one) was not the "real" me, that the real me was being affected by circumstances and less than ideal brain chemistry to be less than he could be, or am I essentially killing off the current me, with his less than perfect brain chemistry in order to make a new version of him with different (supposedly better) brain chemistry who will take over from there? To use a Star Trek analogy is the Kirk that Scotty beams up the same one that said "Beam me up, Scotty" in the last scene? Except that in this case I know that the version of me running around after this is different - he's on medication.
I've decided to change the operating environment for my meat computer, which, remember, is all I have. There isn't any "soul" that is going to "untouched" by this physical change. It's like expecting your experience with a computer to be the same whether you boot into Linux or Windows. You may be able to do the same things, and they may look sort of the same, but fundamentally you have changed the way things work (the use of this example does not mean that I believe I will have access to powerful command line utilities after this, though that would be awesome).
Of course, the version of me in operation today doesn't drink at all, meaning that, brain-chemically, I'm not the same person I was 6 weeks ago. And the me six weeks ago was different from the me three years ago.
Understand, I'm not complaining. It's just that this is the first time I have come face to face with the question of what makes me "me". And it's kind of freaking me out to think that I will be intentionally changing that, even though I've done it unintentionally or intentionally without thinking about it thousands of times. So, I am thinking that I will set up a new category, probably called "A Better, Happier You" in order to document what it's like. Partly so that other people can read what happening to me, and what might happen to them if they do the same thing, and partly for the whole "Flowers for Algernon" - like having a journal of what I currently consider to be my real self slipping away thing. Sort of assisted suicide for my personality. I'll be interested to see if I like the new me, even though, of course, I can't trust the way I feel about the new me, since I don't know if I feel that way for real, or if it's the medication. Of course, it won't make a difference - I'll still feel that way.
Then again it might be that I am over reacting and over analyzing all of this and I will be just like me, but not miserable. Over the next couple of days (before I go in) I am going to put together a list of the things that I think make me who am I am, so that I can have some baseline to understand what happens to me. I haven't decided yet whether to publish all, some or none of it. Probably I should publish all of it, since if I don't then some of the stuff that I write about the changes might not make sense to people reading. If I see any of those changing it will be interesting to see how I feel about it then, as opposed to how I feel now (freaked out, slightly horrified, yet with some excitement).
I think part of this freakout can be attributed to the Ambian/Lunesta change over the last 5 months (especially the last 6 weeks, during which I have not had anything to drink at all and used Lunesta every night). I am now a person who falls asleep at 10pm and gets up at 5 or 6 in the morning. I have always been a night person before, and it was a major part of who I was. Now that that has changed it's a really noticeable thing to me. Yes, I am not tired all the time, but I am also not able to really go out - I get sleepy very early. Some of the things that are making me unhappy now are things that I have felt for half my life, even if I feel better without them, am I still me?
Anyway, stay tuned as I begin reprogramming the meat computer that runs me and find out what happens and how I feel about it. I'm thinking I can probably get a good story out of it as well.
* A Note on Free Will: I do believe that we have free will and that we make our own choices. I also, however, think that our meat-robotness greatly affects the choices that we are able to make. I for example, am programmed to favor certain kinds of decisions. I can make decisions that go against my programming, but it's really, really hard and I usually won't unless I really try, and even then I will keep falling back into the pattern and trying to make the prgorammed decision. The programming doesn't stop you from making choices - but boy does it try to. In my case most of my programming is pretty benign, so it's not a problem. I know some people who's programming is really bad for them, and that's hard to watch.
Posted by edgore at 1:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
