You might be familiar with the story of Orpheus. He's the son of the Greek god Apollo and, I am going to go out on a limb and say a muse - probably Calliope. He's the perfect musician and poet, who lost his perfect love, Eurydice, when she died and went to Hell/Hades. Orpheus, being the persistent type, followed her there and bargained with Hades to allow her to follow him out of hell.Hades was unmoved (because, I assume, he's a dick), but his wife Persephone allowed Orpheus to take Eurydice with him, under one condition - as he left he could never look back to see if she was following. He did, and she was lost to him forever.
For some reason, maybe an overabundance of regret, remorse and a wish that things had gone differently, I have been hugely affected by this story for most of my life. The idea that not trusting, that needing the evidence of your eyes screws things up, that the idea that looking back (say re-dating everyone you have ever dated - Sally, I skipped you only because I didn't have a contact number) is a plan for disaster. The implications of Lot's wife looking back at the destruction Sodom and Gomorrah and becoming a pillar of salt are also not lost on me.
I am very concerned about my attachment to the past and what it means. The most concerning part, to me is that I only seem, now (and by now I mean since 1995), to date people that I have previously dated, regardless of how disastrously that might have gone 10 to 20 years ago. I really do think that that as long as I don't look back - I don't try to frame the new relationship based on the old relationship, or really ever THINK that I am dating the same person this can work. Interestingly, I do not seek out ALL of these people...some of them seek me out (Out of all of the blogs, in all of the blogosphere, she had to comment on mine). But I find them...comfortable, or in one case compelling and lovable (as in I love her, not like she is a stuffed animal or something else cute and furry, regardless of her ear wear choices). It also sort of freaks me out that my favorite artists - Jean Cocteau, David Sylvian, Niel Gaiman, Bill Nelson and others have the same Orphic identity issues. We try to save people. We don't trust. We look back. And, we lose everything. In the end, we are torn apart by sex crazed Maenads, and not in the good way.
This post doesn't go anywhere - there is no understanding at the end. Just questions. Why do I do this and is it a good thing? It seems good now. Great even. That however makes me worry about it and fear that I could fuck it up, by simply looking back at the wrong moment to check and see if she is still following me. What happens if she is? And what happens if she isn't?