Is it because of the huge amounts of trim that it brings in? (no)
Is it because people are fascinated by my life? (no)
Is it because my experiments in brain chemistry MUST be documented for future generations? (So far, no)
Is it because I feel it provides a tiny, tiny straw from which you can all sip a little bit of the freaking endless ocean that is me?
Yeah. That's it. I'm pretty sure, that's it.
Suck it deep, and enjoy.
(I have no idea what I am talking about, but really, why do I bother with this (aside from my three beloved readers, of course)).
Maybe I am a narcissistic mad man, who needs to know that thousands of people are visiting his website every day ( I have the logs to back it up).
Maybe it's because that means there are millions of people in the world with less of a life than I have. Maybe I am just tired, my sleep meds aren't working, and I really, really need my 21st century smart pills to show up. All my hopes are riding on these things - I used to be smart and good looking. I want one of those back, and unfortunately, it's looking like smart is the one I can get with pills, not knives (knives are surprisingly expensive).
For the next few entries (this one obviously included) I am going to go for a stream of conscious, unedited, what the hell am I saying kind of thing. No barriers, no "oh, I can't say that - my mom reads this thing" kind of thing. I'll be interested to see what comes up.
Confession one: I miss sex, but honestly, I don't want to have sex. It's not a lack of availability, sour grapes, kind of thing either (which is weird in and of itself). It's been a year since I had sex, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to try. What would I even say to somebody? Why on earth would they want to? Why on earth would I want too? I don't feel connected to people anymore - they are there, and I like to talk to them and stuff, but why on earth would I want to do anything else? People are poisonous.
More confessions to follow (thank god no one at work knows about this blog, other than Nick the Ernst and Young SOX auditor who thinks I have awesome taste in music, which I do. If you have never heard Kenickie, you should run right out and get some, "Come Out 2nite" is probably the greatest song ever written, after Will's hobo song.
I wonder sometimes if this is not part of the problem - how on earth I am going to find, near my age, who understands half the things that I love, much less all of them. I think I was born somewhere between 10 and 1000 years too early. Too bad my last wife was born a thousand years to late - right?
I really, really envy crazy people. Half the time I tell myself that I am on the edge of that, but honestly, I couldn't do that. I am too well put together to actually toss everything and live out of a grocery basket, however momentarily attractive it might seem. I'm sane, and I am stuck with it. Hell, I am not even sure that I have the guts to take whatever I get after upgrading and selling off the house and daring to do something I want.
Goddamn that's unfair...only crazy people get to go crazy.