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Unless I end up in the news for a killing spree or something, this will probably be the last update in this category. It's been a little over two weeks now that I've been off the Zoloft, but it's hard to say exactly what the impact has been.

The first week was no problem at all - felt like my usual happy, go lucky self - skipping through fields, tra-la-la, business as usual. Well, okay, that isn't strictly speaking true, but really it was not so bad - I felt "normal".

The second week has been more of a challenge, but then again, I'm not sure how much of it can be attributed directly to getting off the Zoloft. There have been a couple of other things going on that are probably complicating my experiment. I've totally-absolutely-no-sneaking-any-when-I-am-not-looking-it's-not-okay-if-I-just-have-one-every-other-day stopped smoking. This of course has me in a state of near constant longing, which, given my wiring, is pretty easy to misinterpret and get cross-wired with other longings. This of course makes it easy to get depressed, even though there is nothing to get depressed about, and in reality I just want a cigarette. There is something of a spiral here, as not getting pleasure through smoking increases my dependance on other sources of life affirming enjoyment, and I am worried that I might be straining those other sources too much and annoying them.

Plus, not smoking at all makes me cranky in general - not in the "adorable and endearing crank" way that you all know and love - more the colicky baby type (inconsolable screaming, clenched fists, increased bowel activity and gas).

Why is it that I always try to do too many things at once, thereby endangering my ability succeed in any of them? It's not enough to be finalizing my divorce (an day now!) - I also have to simultaneously quit smoking, drop the anti-depressants, have my stepson move across the country and make sure that I don't screw up a very valuable friendship (and dopamine source), all the while not allowing myself the luxury of drinking myself into oblivion like any sensible person would do (though if I did that, I would probably smoke, so, no real solution there ).

The only solutions that I can see are writing and videogame playing, both of which seem to have a calming effect on my brain - there have been studies that show that video games are better at stimulating your hypothalamus than chocolate and sex (I assume at the same time); I need neither - I have Final Fantasy 1.

I've also been taking a lot more pictures lately - the flickr stream will be updated as soon as I can unclench my fists long enough to tag and upload.

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This page contains a single entry by edgore published on May 22, 2006 10:06 AM.

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