November 2005 Archives

Toothless Gears

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I've been thinking over the last weekend about how I've been feeling, and what to attribute it to. Overall, I've been feeling pretty good - much of which, I think, can be attributed to time, the "definite-ness" of the breakup (no more wondering about/worrying over what will happen) and the feeling that I am now the one who is in control of what happens to me.

There is one thing though that I think can be attributed to the medication - it's the feeling that the relationship issues just don't have any traction at all. Whatever part of my brain it was that would get engaged when a thought about the breakup crossed my mind just doesn't seem to engage. I know that in the past it has taken me longer to get over less painful breakups than this. Now if something about it crosses my mind, it crosses, and that's it; there isn't anything else.

It's a weird feeling, in a way, but not really a bad one. I don't want, or need, to focus on those thoughts because there is really no point to them, or anything that I can actually do about them, so it's sort of nice to just have them pass through and be on their way. It's good to know that the medication doesn't stop the thoughts, it just stops the anxiety/worry/obsessing over them. Back to the meat robot thing, it's like I'm still me, I still feel the feelings/have the thoughts, but the improved programming doesn't lockup when they occur like it did before - security patches have been applied that prevent denial of service attacks for working.

Of course, I could be wrong, and it just that I am moving on; but I think the medication is helping to do that.

Moving Days

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After the move three years ago, I had promised myself that I was never going to move again (knowing, of course that I would because no one was very happy about the move out to Colorado Springs). Now I find myself moving again for the second time in two months. The little room thing is just not cutting it, and I need a place where I can have a feeling of stability for at least a year while I figure out what the longer-term plan is going to be (this place being the place that I mentioned in the recent post - lease signing is today).

This post is not so much about places to live though as it is about how much I hate the act of moving. I really, really don't like having to pack up stuff, load it up, move it and then unpack it. It's tedious, it always takes longer than you think it's going to, and you have to find new places to put everything once you have unpacked it.

It's also going to be interesting living alone - I haven't done that in, like, 18 years. I've always either had roomates or a family since then. I think, given the last month, that I will do just fine - I've been enjoying living alone since I got over the whole "oh my god I'm devastated" thing about a month ago, and I think that having an actual home is going to make it even better. Not sure when the dogs will move in, but between them and the fact that I can actually have company come over once I am not in a 10 x 10 room will probably provide enough companionship for the short term. Long term there is always the possibility of getting roomates (the place is plenty big), but there is no pressing need to, so I can take the time to actually decide what I want to do.

Which, really, is not a bad situation to be in.

What do you know, the post did turn out to be more about places to live than about how much I hate moving.

Best Show Ever!

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So, family relationships, romance, everything a man (sensitive, yet manly) could want. I love The Gilmore Girls now. I am near the end of the first season, and have to say; "Gold, freaking gold".

Lord, I need ovary implants, Maybe even a uturus implant. A nice boob job, and a little work below my eyes would not be out of the question either.

The Biggest Girl in All of Girlsylvania

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So, I am now completely caught up on The O.C., have also watched every episode that was ever actuallly released of Wonderfalls (aye...they cancelled ye too soon).

My latest obession, I am sorry to say, is Gilmore Girls. A friend of mine mentioned back in 2000 that she was watching this instead of Buffy, which, of course, caused me to scorn her. I regret this now. I downloaded the first season, and I am now about 7 episodes through it, and it is, like most things that I assume I won't like and eventually end up watching, absolutely amazing.

I love shows that focus on family dynamics, and things that have really cute single moms in them are even better. Not sure exactly what it is about that (must talk to therapist about it), but lord I love this show now. To top it all off, the grandfather is played by the head vampire from Lost Boys!

So...I Got It

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I am now the proud renter of delapidated, but stately, manse. I move in on December 1st.

Awesome. I will take and post pictures as soon as I move in.

Elegance & Decay

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These two words very nicely describe the house that I am trying to rent. It's a "slightly larger than I wanted" victorian down on Cheyenne. More space than I need, but it has a private yard and a way for the dogs to get in and out on their own, which is my biggest concern. There is enough room that I could easily accomodate a roomate or two and end up paying less than I am for the single room that I am in now. Plus, it's all victorian and cool-looking inside.

So...I'm looking for a house now...need to find one witt a crawlspace. I have a bag of quicklime, so that's taken care of, but I need someplace for it to work it's magic...

Okay, not really. It's worse than that (yes, worse than deciding that becoming a serial killer is my next growth phase) - my therapist apparently reads my blog (hence the above, macabre sense of humour and all). It didn't occur to me to ask whether or not I mentioned it (I think I did) or if she just Googled me (I am the top result for Edwin Gore & Ed Gore - take that guy in a band with my name!!! I probably should not be applying for any jobs soon...)

I got busted today because, according to her I am more open on my blog than I am in therapy. I'm not sure why that is, since, after all, any and everyone in the world can read this; and I trust her. I think the reasons are two-fold, though I am likely to be wrong. One reason is that every time I have been in any sort of therapy in the past it was with someone else, and that person was the one I was talking to, with the therapist acting as mediator. With just me and her there, I am not sure what I should be doing. I have never worked on things where I was talking just to me (with someone else mediating...).

The other thing is that here I have more time. It can take half an hour or longer to come up with an entry - I can edit things, rewrite things, figure out exactly what it is that I am feeling. Also, I control the conversation...I don't have to write about anything that I don't want to write about; and there are things I will never write about here (serial killing is not one of those - I could write for days about that).

That whole control thing. I think that there is something to that.

Nothing to Report (That's a Good Thing)

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I haven't posted anything the last couple of days because there really hasn't been anything to post. Things have been going pretty well, I feel pretty good, and that's really all there is to it. I feel fine.

My therapist is actualy talking about winding things down, unless I have something else specific I want to work on - think I might want to work on getting better at noticing unusual attachments in the future...

Other than that, nothing to really say. I've been reading, watching saved TV ( I am now completely caught up on The O.C., and watched all the Wonderfalls episodes that were made), and starting to look for more permanent quarters; the room with shared bath and kitchen thing is just not working with the ladies (okay there are no ladies, really I just need a place to put my dogs).

Oh, and on the whole The O.C. and Wonderfalls thing; are there any other good shows that I missed over the last couple of years I should be catching up on?

Feeling, Well, Groovy

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I continue to have no idea whether it's the medication, or just me, but I feel great. Not like manic, excited great, but you know, just great. Very happy with myself, and with what is going on; still not what I would have chosen, but I am fine with it now and can see how, given the circumstance, my life is going to be better than it was before the breakup.

I feel like I am in control of my life again, and like I am making good decisions about how to move forward. It doesn't feel like I'm racing out of control down a hill to cliff, or anything. I just feel good about everything.

While it may be partially the medication, I think it's also something that happened a little over a week ago that gave me some real insight into how things would be better. Ask me about it if you are interested.

Straight On Till Morning

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Hmmm...nothing really to report on the depression and medication front. I feel fine. No idea whether it's because of the medication, or just because I feel fine, but, as noted, I feel fine. Peachy. Groovy. Hunkey-dory.

Internet connection at home has been up and down throughout the weekend, which is making it hard to get the current episodes of "The O.C.", but that is pretty much the only problem in my life at the moment.

She's No Lady, She's My Wife

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So...my favorite episode (well, duh, of "The O.C.") so far is the 20th anniversary episode. I loved Sandy's performance, and I was totally surprised.

Oh...My...God.

I am definately a 14 year old girl trapped in the body of a 42 year old man (which, if you think about it, is better than the opposite).

Still...watching...The O.C.

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I don't know if it's sublimation, transferance, or something else, but all emotions that I have previously felt have been replaced by love.

Love for The O.C.

This show has everything...soap opera drama, comics, a true admiration for the awesomeness of Jews.

There is no finer show on televison in my opinion...I'm well into the second season now, and have decided that my next wife (3rd? 4th? 9th?) will have to be jewish, so that together we can celebrate Chrismukkah.

Okay...weird

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So...my toes.

They are really, really long. Like oddly so.

Just saying.

Normal is the Watchword

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So, still feeling pretty normal. Not depressed, not particularly happy, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

One weird thing has been happening for the last couple of weeks though, and I'm going to write about it, since it just happened seconds ago.

I'm vibrating. It's really weird and I have no idea what is causing it, but occasionally, some part of me, usually one of my legs on the outer thigh, will feel like something is vibrating next to it. The thing it feels most like is a cellphone on vibrate laying against the afflicted bodypart. But, looking at my desk I see my cell phone sitting a good three feet away, and no sign that it's doing anything.

Really weird. Perhaps it's the CIA or Alien implants acting up...

Officially Freaked Out

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Okay...so tonight I rearranged my room so that I could take advantage of the free cable TV (which of course involves far more technology than it should - I don't have a TV, need to do it through the computer, and of course set it up so that I can record stuff).

But anyway, after re-arranging the room, I realized that all I need is a set of shelves and some theatre seats (I think I can still get those) and my room will be in the EXACT same arrangement that it was between 1987 and 1989 while I was living with Marcus. Bed in same place, computer in same place. If I add the two other items, it will be identical.

Weird. Really, really weird. Maybe this means I should start bringing girls home and talking at them while playing Bauhaus louder than you really should at 3:00am.

Need a French apt. mate to ignore also...

Something Seems To Be Working

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Not sure if it's time, the medication, or "The O.C." but something is working. Feeling much, much better about things. Many, many offers and ideas about dealing with the dogs during the relocation have come in, which I really appreciate, and they would too, if they had any idea what was going on around them.

Anyway, thanks.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that it's "The O.C.". That show rules.

Solid State

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This weekend went pretty well. I'm feeling pretty good, and starting to think about "new life" things. I am also still compulsively watching saved episodes of "The O.C.", but at least I am not eating cartons of ice cream while doing so. Overall, the terror-level is at green, whch puts me in a much better state than my nation.

Felt a little crappy on Sunday, which led to a marathon nap and caused me to miss a social engagement, but it was probably worth it to get the rest.

One big concern has come up that I was not planning on - Ash has moved back in with her mom, negating my backup plan for the dogs - I was hoping that they would be able to stay with her during the time between selling the house and me getting into a new place with room for them. I suppose that if it comes right down to it I can kennel them for a couple of weeks, though I hate the thought of doing that to them. Gosh I miss those dogs.

Oh, and my free WIFI that I was snarfing has vanished without a trace, leaving me connectionless at home until Adelphia get's their act together and activiates my service. Expect slow responses to emails until then...

My Salvation

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So, feeling pretty okay and normal today - not too up, not too down, aware thtt I have things that make me unhappy, but able to deal with it and get stuff done.

I do not, however, attribute this to the meds.

Last night I realized that I had 2 seasons of The O.C. that I had bit-torrented to watch with Ashley last summer but never gotten around to. So now I have like 52 episodes of that to watch, and it's awe-inspiringly bad. A guilty pleasure like Melrose Place, but with much better music. Also, while I heard all these great things about the character Seth, no one had ever mentioned that he was practically autistic! This show is great, and will make me very happy for many, many days.

Better, Not Good, Just Better

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Black void receding somewhat - things are still crappy and all, but at least it's not looming over me every minute of the day. I can function, without having to exert a huge amount of effort for very little return. It's down to the point where I just don't care about doing anything, but it's not hard to do something, if I really have to. Yes, in my current world, this is what were are calling "new and improved"; next week, I will add lemony-freshness.

Hopefully this rollercoasting up and down will smooth out soon, because I really don't want to go through anything as bad as the last four days again.

Last night was spent briefly chatting to Will and then sitting in bed watching downloaded Colbert Reports (which, unfortunately is not that great a show...) until it was late enough to knock myself out with a Lunesta (9:00). The problem, of course with doing this is that I wake up 8 hours later at 5:00 and lay in bed for almost two hours listening to the other people in the building get up and take their showers. Not very entertaining, but can't be bothered to actually get out of bed.

Ugh

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So, last night was terrible. The anxiety and depression are getting worse, not better. I don't know if this is a side effect of the medications, or if it's just that I am anxious and depressed, but last night was the worst that I have had.
Just very bleak and hopeless. The good thing is that I am paying close attention to how I feel, so no matter how awful I feel I am analyzing what's going on and thinking about what is making me feel like that and what I might be able to do about it. The bad thing is that I still feel awful.

Sigh

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If only I had known before what a hot commodity I was. Apparently, there are thousands of young girls with webcams on Myspace that are dying to meet an older man. Two or three of them are particularly persistant, sending me messages whenever I am logged in.

If I didn't know better (because they consistantly send exactly the same message, just like real people), I would think they were 'bots.

Reality Bites

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Not sure if it's medication related or not, but for some reason the reality of my situation is hitting me very hard this week. This is really happening, she seems perfecly happy with it, and it's not going to change.

I keep holding out some hope that she will change her mind, but that's not very realistic. She started moving on two years ago and has had all that time to get used to the idea, while I have only had a little under two months total, and less than three weeks since it seemed pretty final.. She feels like she is moving on towards something that she wants, while I am moving away from everything I want.

Our lives ar going to remain tangled up because of the kids, which is not going be easy - every time I see her or talk to her on the phone it makes it harder. I need to figure out how to get out of this emotional "K"-hole. I need to figure out what it is that I am moving toward. I wish there was someway that we could be freinds, but I can't see that happening; not because of anything that happened, but because of the way I still feel about her. Maybe that will change with time.

I don't know how I am going to be able to actually go through the process of filing the paperwork and getting that done when it is not something that I even want to do. I know that I will manage to do it, because I am "the guy who takes care of things", but it's hard to imagine right now.

I want to talk to her so badly, but I know that's a bad idea, so I am not going to. She doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me unless she needs something, which is probably the right way to handle things. If this course is the only one that she sees open to her, then it's probably best if we cut off everything except "business" and start to put as much space between us as possible.

Hmmmm...re-reading this, I have to say, I don't think these pills do what they think they do.

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This page is an archive of entries from November 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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